We all know the standard definition of depression we grew up or learnt in science class – Someone who is depressed becomes secluded, can not function, looks forlorn – lost or confused. But what a lot of people don’t know is that there isn’t any standard definition of depression – it is not a one size fits all type of disease or situation. The goal of this post is to spread awareness and to show you a side of depression that most people don’t know exist that sometimes the people who give the most are hurting and you can return the favor by just asking “Are you okay?”
November 4th 2016 was my birthday – a momentous occasion that a lot of people wait entire year to celebrate. It is their special day when anything they want goes – text messages and social media blows up with people showering love and sweet messages and the birthday person feels connected to all of them.
That wasn’t the case on my birthday – I had started dreading the day before it even arrived. Not because I am turning a year older but because it was a marker of how long it has been since I had felt comfortable in my own skin (my reasons might be different than others and there is no cookie cutter reason for depression), and also because it was a marker of how long I had been wearing this mask – the mask of “everything is just great”. When you have to wear a mask majority of your life, even you get surprised at how well you hide your real self. There were a handful of people who knew about my mask but none of us knew how contorted the face was behind that mask until the morning of my birthday.
If you already know me – you know how head strong I am as an individual, I speak my mind but politely, I cry tears for strangers and I fight for everyone’s rights. I have the gift and curse of being able to walk in others shoes. So naturally over the years I have become a beacon of support and strength for a lot of my family members, friends and even pure strangers I met through my blog that decided to open up to me and let me help them get through difficult times. I have been showered by kind and respectful words over the last few years – words of admiration. Something others seen in me that I have a hard time seeing in myself (I guess this could be added to the standard definition of Depression).
So clearly waking up on my birthday, my phone and social media was filled with messages of love and well wishes. But the person reading them felt broken – almost like an empty shell. The exterior doesn’t match the broken soul inside.
Hi – Nice to meet you – I am Closet Huntress and I am Functional Depressed. I am the girl who dreads waking up each morning, spends countless hours in bed only to pull the nicest clothes out of the closet, slaps on perfect hair and make up (I used to not wear make up but I now refuse to leave the house without eyeliner and lipstick – that right there is a physical part of the mask I described prior) – I am the first to ask a stranger if they are lost, need help or sympathize with a sad friend. I am quick to observe a change in a person’s daily routine or demeanor, even quicker to apologize when it isn’t even my fault. I crack jokes just to make people’s day, see them smile and I laugh the loudest. How am I good at all this? Because I have learnt what to do or what not do by being hurt. I know how to walk in others shoes but what I really don’t wish upon anyone is having them walk in mine.
Who is a functional depressed? A functional depressed is one of your friends/family member/neighbor who is suffering internally – it is not easy to spot the signs with them unless you look at them dead in the eye and ask them how they are really doing. They have excuses for everything – “No I wasn’t just crying in my office, I have allergies” this will be immediately be followed by throwing attention on you or your day or something that will make you and others laugh. A functional depressed can’t fall apart. They are scared to fall apart because in their little heads the world around them and everyone in it is depending on them. If they fell apart – who will pick others up?
But the act of putting on a mask and taking it off every time they are alone, takes a huge toll on them. Being fully functional around others, leaves them paralyzed on their own. Morning turns into afternoon, and afternoon into night – sitting in one spot. But the moment someone calls or visits – every single trace of the depression and loneliness and pain is wiped off, like it never existed.
So…the morning of my birthday? All the out pouring of love didn’t match my reality. The person reading every message felt disconnected. They wanted to scream on top of their lungs that they can’t can go on, that they are falling apart but how can they burden others with their problems? Others have enough of their own. My poor beloved husband had a full day of surprises planned and my cousin….I am truly thankful to both of them and truly sorry too for what ensued. I got up to perform my daily rituals, showered, pulled out the nicest clothes – go over the top with makeup and laugh all day long like things were wonderful. But….instead the girl looking back from the mirror started to melt. I couldn’t recognize her. Her eyes even with eyeliner looked barren and her face started to get contorted. The realization of how depressed I have gotten that my vision is getting messed up, is what broke the camels back and led to a complete melt down where I climbed back in the bed and refused to leave the house. I will spare you the ugliness of the emotions that followed. Luckily I have a loving husband and cousin who tried to help me get back on my feet that day. Their concerned voices and pleas finally helped me get out of bed hours later and it was immediately followed by embarrassment and shame of how I had let them down and ruined their plans to surprise me. This is what depression feels like 24/7, the worry that by opening up you will ruin others day.
Unfortunately not everyone has someone loving like my cousin and husband or even other friend or two who knew partially what I have been going through and have been cheering me on. Unfortunately not everyone accepts their depression or knows about psychological issues as much as I do….Unfortunately they are alone….unfortunately they are falling apart…unfortunately they will never tell you…unfortunately you will never find out….things can end up really bad for them….feelings of being uncomfortable in your own skin, or not recognizing yourself or who you have become can lead to suicidal thoughts…not everyone will act on them but unfortunately some will….the only fortunate part is you did read this blog post in it’s entirety and maybe you can just ask them how they are doing genuinely? Maybe now you are equipped with the knowledge that depression comes in different forms and pick up on slight hints that they won’t be able to cover with their mask….maybe now you can save a life or alleviate someone’s pain…all it will take is to ask and let them know:
“Hey are you doing alright?”
and
“I am here if you need me”
If you are someone who is depressed and are reading this post. Please never be embarrassed or ashamed of how you are feeling. Depression can be a short lived ailment or chronic(for life). You are lucky if it is short lived – it will pass just stay strong. Talk to someone close to you – see a therapist. A therapist can help retrain your mind – talking to them is like a brain exercise, it will help you clear your head – see the light at the end of the tunnel.
If your depression is chronic please speak with someone you are close to and see a therapist. Seeing a therapist is like taking a car for oil change, there is no shame in it. Learn as much as you can about your depression and learn to manage it. And use your knowledge to help others who are suffering. People are born with genetic diseases, missing limb or chronic depression. It is nothing to be embarassed about.
